Red Sox / Rockies World Series in Five Minutes

So, I have five minutes before the first pitch of the 2007 MLB World Series. What a great opportunity to fire off a few bon mots about a World Series that pits the New England’s lovable Red Sox against the Colorado Rockies. The Red Sox, as far as bean counters in Las Vegas are concerned, are the odds on favorites to take the Series. I’m inclined to agree. First of all, when did we start naming professional sports teams after mountain ranges? What if the Red Sox were not the Red Sox, but the Boston Charles Rivers? I don’t care how much David Ortiz looks like a teddy bear, no one could get behind that.

So here goes my predictions: Game 1 is won by the Red Sox. Beckett throws a one-hit complete game shutout, and Manny Ramirez commits the game’s only error when he loses a fly ball in a cloud of marijuana smoke. Game 2 is a close one. Curt Schilling, his fastball losing velocity, has to rely on all the hot hair that comes out of his mouth to blow away the Rockies hitters. Game 3, I think the Rockies will win this one. It’ll be good for them. Game 4, Beckett again. Red Sox Win. Now the question is Game 5. I think the Red Sox should throw the game, so that way they can take the series back to Fenway Park and win the Series in front of the home crowd (Having won it on the road in 2004).

My prediction: Red Sox in (5) 6

Beckett strikes out the side, the Red Sox come up with three in the bottom of the inning. Who wants to go to the victory parade next week? Bring a warm jacket. It’ll be cold near the Charles.

Manny Ramirez Is The Guy From Office Space

For those of you who are unaware, I’m definitely a Red Sox fan. Not a Red Sox fan in the traditional New-Englander-hailing-from-a-long-line-of-suffering-Red-Sox-fans, but more the type of fan who started following the team late in highschool and has been keeping a close eye ever since. Needless to say, I’ve been following the 2007 American League Championship series with a somewhat heavy heart. However, there’s no crying in baseball–just ask Suzyn Waldman–and even if the Red Sox should fall in the two remaining must win games they have against Cleveland, I think I’ll be alright.

Enter Manny Ramirez, the BoSox’s goofy, absent minded, dreadlocked, home-run-mashing, clean up hitting left fielder. This guy, despite being the team’s obviously most gifted hitter, gives Boston fans and Sports Writers the howling fantods. On the eve of last nights 7-1 must win victory against the Cleveland Indians, Manny Ramirez had this this to offer about his team’s future:

“We’re confident every day. It doesn’t matter how things go for you. We’re not going to give up. We’re just going to go and play the game, like I’ve said, and move on. If it doesn’t happen, so who cares? There’s always next year. It’s not like the end of the world or something.”

That’s why I love Manny Ramirez. He’s like that guy from Office Space. He just doesn’t care, and it aggravates the living hell out of buffoons like Dan Shaughnessy . He’s got one thing on Mr. Office Space, though. He actually has the talent to back it up (4 HRs, 12 RBI, .440 BA in the 2007 Postseason). Manny seems to grasp the fact that sports is entertainment and that it provides at best something fun to watch socially and then jabber and trash talk about at work or with friends. As entertainment, I can think of few players in professional sports who are more interesting than good ol’ Manny. So Manny, you just keep being Manny, okay? If the Red Sox should fail in the next game or the one after that, just remember this little gem:

Bob Porter: Looks like you’ve been missing a lot of work lately.
Peter Gibbons: I wouldn’t say I’ve been *missing* it, Bob.

Passé

Fred Thomspon: Passé

For those of us either given to Lawandorderaphilia or those of us with friends, relatives or relations infected with it, Fred Thompson is already some jackass we’re eminently familiar with. Frankly, I’ve had it up to here with Fred Thompson’s quasi-intellectual hobnobbery. This man isn’t fit enough to lead a plate of mashed potatoes. He will never be President. Granted, in a field that includes Rudy G’s and Mitt “The Stormin’ Mormon” Romney all bets–it would seem- should be off.

Crocs: Passé

This is a frightening fad. Think of it: Millions upon millions of people clamoring to wear brightly colored shoes with holes in them–holes that can be plugged with a myriad of decorative accessories. Doesn’t that sound like everything a person shouldn’t want in a shoe? Now, I’ve heard the argument that they’re comfortable and great for people whose professions require them to stand on their feet for extended periods of time. Great, I’m all for comfort and breaking Dr. Scholls dread grip on the shoe market. But, come on! Couldn’t they design them in such a way so as not to make them look like Jolly Ranchers? Path-et-ic.

Al Gore’s Stupid Face

All cower in fear before Al Gore’s big dumb face. Lock your daughters inside! Pull the cat in from the porch! Tell Tiny Tim to come down from the peppertree! You shall recognize his approach by his sign. He will visit you with a plague of ponderous, overwrought, self-aggrandizing movies regarding global climate change. You will feel intense and unrelenting boredom, feelings of guilt and a vague strain of skepticism. He will bludgeon you with his brand new, shiny Nobel Peace Prize. You will look up to the sky and query god, “Why? Why, oh, why?” God will try to answer, but his response will be muffled by a blanket of greenhouses gases.

Long story short: Fuck us. Al Gore’s got a Nobel Peace Prize for being a supercilious, sanctimonious twit, and I still got sucked into seeing Superbad. Yikes.

answers to questions posed by A.S.W.

1) What’s your favorite kind of Bird?

I like Kingfishers, the kind of bird that will wait patiently and placidly perched on a branch out over the water before plunging down headfirst for a tasty fish. Charles Olson wrote a poem ostensibly about Kingfishers called “The Kingfishers”. It happens to be the only poem of his that I recall enjoying a considerable amount. Aside from that, they have long beaks. Who couldn’t get behind that?

2) What do you do with those slightly thicker cards that they insert into magazines and sometimes fall out when you’re reading them?

That would depend on where I am. At a doctor’s office, I’d pretend that I didn’t notice that it fell out. At home, I’d probably just discard the subscription cards in a rubbish can. Actually, at a doctor’s office I might pick it up and shove it back in another magazine on the table that I’m not reading. Under the influence of drugs and in a doctors office, I might fill out the cards with the names and address of people I know. We should all take pleasure in such minor annoyances.

3) Why are you blogging?

For the exact same reason that I tend to laugh at my own jokes even when no one else thinks they’re funny.