Interactive News

An interesting article today from CNN.com regarding a teenager who apparently planned to commit suicide by hijacking a commercial airliner and crashing it into a Hannah Montana concert in Louisiana. Normally this sort of thing is what makes FOX News broadcasts pulse red with “Breaking News” and “Fox News Alerts”. I guess everyone can’t be a terrorist, especially when Walt Disney and Louisiana are involved.

Anyway, the best part of this itty-bitty article is at the bottom. Since news websites would like you to use The Internets for quicker access to relevant news items, they usually offer relevant ’subscribable’ topics at the bottom of the page. The ones offered here are sublime:

All About Hannah Montana • Suicide • Air Travel

By the way, for those of you unfamiliar with her, Hannah Montana (Miley Cyrus) originates from the loins of Billy Ray Cyrus whose mind numbing mega-hit “Achy Breaky Heart” and epic mullet have been making people want kill themselves violently for years…

New York City, What’s Up?

After having decried the puritanical, repressed and awful climate of The Hub, I’d like to extol the virtues of America’s metropolis New York City. Here are a couple of things I enjoyed while on a recent sojourn to The Big Apple.

1. A store called “Shoegasm“: People, it turns out, are really into feet and foot related accessories, namely Shoes. While traipsing about some area of Manhattan trolling for a gay bar, my friends and I passed the storefront of this shoe purveyor. I think these folks should let me handle their press. Consider the following slogans:

We’ve got tight shoes for your hard feet.

Those pair of shoes have been around the block and back!

I think everyone’s walked a mile in that shoe…

If you’re going to wear that shoe, make sure you wear a sock.

Sha… Sha… Sha… Shaaaaa. SHOOOOOOOEEEEssssss!!!!

Etc.

2. Lance Bass: So, Lance decided to make an appearance at this rather unremarkable bar called “Black and White” also in Manhattan. He arrived while I was outside indulging my nicotine habit, and I instantly recognized him as being famous, but could not come up with his name. It wasn’t until he’d entered the bar that I correctly identified him as “the gay Nysnc member who wanted to take a little trip into outerspace.” I tried to nonchalantly confirm this with the bouncer, but ended up making it seem like I had a low opinion of Lance–who happens to be a good friend of the bouncer, or so he told me–when I in fact have no opinion of Lance. Oh well. My friends chatted him up a bit and remarked that he was exceptionally smiley, more smiley than any one man should be. The picture here about sums that up.

An Idea For A New Anti-Superhero

I propose for the first time in the history of the world–I hope, but not likely–an idea for an AntiSuperhero: “F**king Dude Man”. He is everyone and no one, and we all know who he is. He’s the man who bumped into you at the Fall Out Boy concert and made you spill your Sex On The Beach, he’s the one who groped your girlfriend at the party last night, he’s the one who bought the last pack of Lucky Strike Lights at the gas station, he’s the one who showed up to your party and managed to find the floor more often than his mouth with all of your food. You know what you say to your friends:

“Who got Doritos crumbs all over your bed,” they ask.

“I don’t know. Some f**king dude, man!”

F**king Dude Man is an Anti-Superhero with the power to replace any ol’ chap with the misfortune of becoming “That Guy”, the committer of the oft dreaded party foul.  We’ve all done things in the company of others that we’d just as soon forget as soon as we’ve done them. Unfortunately for us all, people tend to remember names, faces and social faux pas. What F**king Dude Man does is replace the would-be party fouler at the exact moment the crime has been committed and accepts the blame, scorn and awkward glances. Meanwhile, he teleports the party fouler elsewhere in the gathering where he or she can take some vitamins and try harder at not screwing up. Honestly though, the real source of F**king Dude Man’s strength is in his ability to remain perfectly anonymous to everyone.  When someone recalls the misdeeds of Party Goer X, for example, all one will recall is that the misdeed was committed by, “Some F**king Dude, Man” of average, bland and common characteristics and not by the aforementioned Party Goer.

Upon reflection, it’s possible that this AntiSuperhero already exists and has appeared at whatever social gatherings it was that you’ve found yourself at over the course of your life. But, we’ll never know for sure, Man. It was just some f**king dude, man.