Barack Obama’s Big Day In The Park

I’m just going to have to come right out and say it. This cartoon, sums up my feelings for Barack Obama at this early point in Election 08. I’ll submit to the fact that Barack is an excellent public speaker, but can’t we all admit his speeches are high on sentiment and low on substance? Ordinarily, I might just support Obama, but the frenzy of ‘hope and change’ he seems to be whipping everyone up into is alarming.

Anyway, if you need a break from all the hoopla, then please come take a look at my new side project:

http://christonajetski.livejournal.com

Breaking News: The Stormin’ Mormon Has Left the Building!

Mitt Romney has been TKO’d by everyone’s favorite ex POW John McCain after a disappointing showing on Super Pooper Tuesday. To whom will conservatives across the country turn now in their time of need? Will they turn to Mike “The Preacher Man” Huckabee or will they swallow their pride and rally behind John “The Snake-eater” McCain?

Only time will tell my dear friends! This election seems to have whipped everyone into a tall lather, and I honestly can’t make heads or tails of it.  Sure, maybe I’d like to hop on the Barack Obama bandwagon, but how can anyone with even a small drop of self respect support someone who has a campaign video featuring Will I. Am? Doesn’t this video make you want to choke yourself with a bag full of sugar?

If more of these asinine videos are what I can expect from a Barack Obama presidency, then that, my friends, is Change I can do without. The only change that I’m interested in is the type that rattles around in my pockets when I have a lot of money. So, if anyone would like to bribe me into voting for Barack Obama… Well, I’m accepting offers.

Why I Can’t, Won’t and Never Will Vote for Hillary Clinton

So, some folks have asked me why I don’t like Hillary Clinton. Honestly, I don’t have a real policy-related reason for disliking her. Granted, I could try to articulate why it is that she irks me, and I could try to say that she’s condescending, irritating, smarmy. However, that’d be a waste of time. I’m against Hillary Clinton for one simple reason.

I was born in 1984. Of the 23 years that I’ve been alive, the President of the United States has been a Bush or a Clinton for 19 going on 20. If Hilldog were to be elected, that would move the figure up to 24 out of 28 years. A quarter of a century. Something is wrong with that. If you’d like to get really technical about it, there’s been a Bush or a Clinton in the White House every year of my and my friend’s lives. Let’s not forget about Vice President George Herbert Walker Bush!

I’m not even saying a like Barack Obama, but let’s kick the Clintons to the curb and get some people in office who can let people abort their fetuses, give me health insurance and handouts, feed the hungry and blast “Across the Universe” to the North Star.

Passé

Fred Thomspon: Passé

For those of us either given to Lawandorderaphilia or those of us with friends, relatives or relations infected with it, Fred Thompson is already some jackass we’re eminently familiar with. Frankly, I’ve had it up to here with Fred Thompson’s quasi-intellectual hobnobbery. This man isn’t fit enough to lead a plate of mashed potatoes. He will never be President. Granted, in a field that includes Rudy G’s and Mitt “The Stormin’ Mormon” Romney all bets–it would seem- should be off.

Crocs: Passé

This is a frightening fad. Think of it: Millions upon millions of people clamoring to wear brightly colored shoes with holes in them–holes that can be plugged with a myriad of decorative accessories. Doesn’t that sound like everything a person shouldn’t want in a shoe? Now, I’ve heard the argument that they’re comfortable and great for people whose professions require them to stand on their feet for extended periods of time. Great, I’m all for comfort and breaking Dr. Scholls dread grip on the shoe market. But, come on! Couldn’t they design them in such a way so as not to make them look like Jolly Ranchers? Path-et-ic.

Al Gore’s Stupid Face

All cower in fear before Al Gore’s big dumb face. Lock your daughters inside! Pull the cat in from the porch! Tell Tiny Tim to come down from the peppertree! You shall recognize his approach by his sign. He will visit you with a plague of ponderous, overwrought, self-aggrandizing movies regarding global climate change. You will feel intense and unrelenting boredom, feelings of guilt and a vague strain of skepticism. He will bludgeon you with his brand new, shiny Nobel Peace Prize. You will look up to the sky and query god, “Why? Why, oh, why?” God will try to answer, but his response will be muffled by a blanket of greenhouses gases.

Long story short: Fuck us. Al Gore’s got a Nobel Peace Prize for being a supercilious, sanctimonious twit, and I still got sucked into seeing Superbad. Yikes.